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They might not match up exactly on all of these, but generally there’s enough emotional glue for them to choose to marry, for them to commit to a future and think, We’ll be happy going through life together.īut when a marriage ends, so does everything that came with it-not just the parts that weren’t working, but also the parts that were, all the comforts that the marriage provided: time invested in getting to know each other intimately, the built-in company and daily routines, all the private jokes and references, the shared memories and experiences. Most people choose each other because they genuinely enjoy many of the same things-they often have similar interests, ways of seeing the world, senses of humor, and sets of values. It might sound counterintuitive that exiting a bad situation would result in grief, but few relationships are all good or all bad. Or the decision to divorce might have been mutual but both still had to grieve the loss. One might have wanted the divorce and the other didn’t. One or both of them might have been ambivalent. Needless to say, this isn’t a solid foundation for a relationship.Īnother way to tell your origin story, however, goes something like this: Your boyfriend’s marriage was ending, but like many marital endings, it wasn’t clean and it was painful for both people involved.
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And viewed through the lens of this pain, you might never truly trust him. Even if you find your boyfriend to be completely trustworthy going forward, you might carry the pain of this early time into your future, along with the belief that his not pursuing his divorce in the way you wanted reflected some deficiency in his love for you and/or deficiency in his moral compass. This version of the story could play out in various ways, but most likely it will keep you locked in place. One way to tell your origin story is to say that your boyfriend wasn’t trustworthy and that you have evidence to support this: He didn’t initially tell you that he was separated rather than divorced he kept in contact with his wife while you were dating and he didn’t take the steps you asked him to take to move the divorce forward even though he said he would.
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When I see couples for therapy, I’m always interested in their origin story-how they met, what those early months were like, and what meaning each person gave (and still gives) to the events as they played out. There are several ways to look at this situation, and I want to help you consider a couple of them so that you can see these events differently.
#Origin download stuck on finalizing how to#
I wish I knew how to heal from a betrayal of trust in a relationship. He has asked me to give him a second chance and shown much remorse. Now that the divorce is surely going to be concluded in the coming six months, I am flooded with feelings of doubt about the relationship because it feels like we never really healed from that initial breach of trust, and I am afraid of what all the subsequent broken promises might reveal about our compatibility. In the meantime, we were otherwise incredibly happy and in love with each other and set up a lot of important building blocks for our future together. Eventually he agreed to keep her away after I got a therapist to help us. We also fought a lot about how much his wife should be part of our lives: I didn’t want her to continue to contact him about random casual things given that they were separated and childless, but he felt I was too harsh and refused to budge for many months. He would promise to do a specific task at a certain time but then continuously forget to do it. Two years later, we are still together but it’s been an incredibly exhausting struggle to get him to take the steps necessary for the divorce. Eventually he apologized and explained that he had been afraid of losing me, and I forgave him. My boyfriend did not tell me he was married for the first three months of our dating because he didn’t feel the timing was right for him.